*Originally published 1/28/21*
A year ago today my life changed forever. A year ago today I embarked on my journey of gratitude and rewiring the brain. It was not an easy journey to begin, but I am so grateful I have stuck with it and am now feeling better than I have in the last nine years.
A year ago, I was working a dj job when my stomach bloated like it had never done before. The pain was so bad that I could not stand up straight. I could barely speak or walk—which went really well as I was supposed to be hosting the event and was on a date (sorta). After the event, I drove home in tears, called my parents and they went into action—it’s sad that we pretty much have a plan for when these things happened. When I pulled up, my dad met me in the driveway to get me into the house where my mom had peppermint tea, essential oil and my heating pad waiting for me. Now, through the years of Lyme and suspected Endometriosis and Crohn’s, I’m used to a good ol’ fashioned stomach bloat, but this one was a bit different.
At this time, I was not seeing a doctor for my Lyme. The months prior we had been focusing on my gut issues (which ended up being a total bust) and I had put myself on the Dr. Rawls Lyme diet. At this point, I had been on the diet for a few weeks and was actually feeling a bit better—I had started at the University of Maryland, as well—so this setback came out of nowhere.
The next day, I remember being just completely and utterly crushed. So tired of feeling good and having a setback. So tired of no one being able to “fix” me or tell me why I feel this way. So tired of this unpredictable, all consuming life with a chronic, invisible, incurable illness that is Lyme disease. This was my rock bottom—well one of them as I have had too many too count on this journey.
It was here when I reached out to my Lyme community to try and find out where I should go next. I knew I was not going back on antibiotics but I didn’t know which integrative medicine team to go to. My “Lyme encyclopedia” friend, Jess, and I talked a lot that day and she convinced me to go back to my previous integrative medicine doctor who Jess was still seeing. This conversation with Jess really changed my life.
She told me about DNRS and rewiring the brain. Essentially, when you have been chronically sick for so long your brain can get “stuck” in the fight-or-flight mindset and you never truly get to heal—this is where I was. I started doing research. I listened to podcasts and read blogs and books and even listened to my brother (if you know us, you know it is a rare feat). He showed me where my body and brain were compartmentalizing the trauma and pain I have been going through and helped me come up with ways to release and reset.
So, a year ago I started writing in my gratitude journal and meditating. My gratitude journal was a hot mess when I first began. I begin with a list of what I am grateful for, then what caused me stress that day, how I can “fix” that (not real things just fixing my mindset on them) and end with my intentions for the next day and my mantras. Maybe about 5 thing to be grateful for and 7 things that caused me stress. But over the last 365 days, my gratitude list outnumbers my stress list every night—and sometimes I find no stress that day. It is an amazing tool for me to see where I was, where I am and hopefully where I will be a year from now.
The mediation went kind of the same way. I started off small with only 3 minutes in the morning and at night. I had tried meditation before, but always had trouble sitting still (because of pain) and keeping my mind quiet (hello anxiety) but this time I was determined. I did not let myself falter and tried not to judge myself when my mind drifted. Slowly but surely I got the hang of it. I added on time and have not missed a day. I know people have been saying it for years and most people (including myself) have laughed it off and said “that doesn’t work for me” or “that can’t work”—but I have found once I really set my mind to it, it works for me. Through meditation and breathwork, I have been able to stop pain from taking over my entire body. I have been able to open my mind up and listen to what my body actually needs. I have been able to focus on what I already have and the good around me.
I was also able to put my doubts aside and trust my medicine 100%. I have seen seven different lyme doctors in the last nine years—and before that, it took over 10 doctors to get me a diagnosis. It is safe to say I do not trust the medical system. So whenever I have entered a new treatment, I have always had my doubts that it would work. What I have learned through my research and life, is that those little tiny doubts can actually ruin the whole thing. You have to trust the process the entire way through (unless it is something that is actually harmful)—even if you don’t you have to say it out loud to make yourself believe you do because if not, why are you spending all of this money, going through this journey to just stay stuck where you are?
So I have been back with my integrative medicine doctor for almost a year and I still love her and trust her completely. I had not realized how sick I was until I went to see her last year and both she and my mom were shocked that we could see my ribs—apparently I had lost 20 lbs in a short few months for the second time in my Lyme journey. We discovered I had parasites and once we started treating that, I felt like even more like a new person.
I know last year was a shit show of a year for everyone—but I actually healed and grew more than I ever have. It is so sad that the quarantine gave me and my body the time we needed to finally heal, to rest and to discover what we are actually capable of when life does not revolve around “what hurts today?” or “am I going to get paralyzed today?” I was able to finish my first two semesters at UMD—keeping my 4.0—while also getting my personal trainer certification and becoming a coach at OTF. I have gained so much strength, physically and mentally in the last year. I even became vulnerable enough to start working on my emotions with my therapist because—from what we have learned—the trauma from Lyme has stunted my emotional health. I have opened my mind to so much. I have been trying to unlearn all the bullshit our society has ingrained in us to really try and see what is going on around/in me.
I’m not saying I am 100%—heck just last night I had a bloat attack—but I truly believe that a year ago I started on the right path in my journey to get me where I want to be. Like I said earlier, it was not easy. I had hit rock bottom several times throughout the last few years—being 20, paralyzed and having to be taken to the bathroom by others is a pretty low point—but this is the one when I stopped feeling sorry for myself and started truly fighting for myself. I have not broken my diet in over a year—not once. I have not missed my meditation—heck one day I was running late in the morning and did it while I was receiving my acupuncture. If this year has taught any of us anything it should be that health and wellness are not guaranteed. We can’t just sit back feeling sorry for ourselves or not being proactive. It may be hard, but health and wellbeing are the only thing we have semi-control of. So take that control, let go of what no longer serves you and go out and make this the life you want/deserve—from a safe and social distance.
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