*Originally published 12/4/15*
I'm scared of my disease. I'm scared of the tremors I get that cause me to lose control of my body. I'm scared of the heart palpitations I get that cause me to not be able to breathe. I'm scared of the constant pain I'm in every day. I’m scared of the pain I keep getting in my hands that make them unusable. I’m scared of the paralysis like sensations I keep getting in my legs making it hard and painful for me to move at all. I'm scared of all the unknown symptoms that I have yet to experience but someday might. I’m scared of the fact that there is no cure to my disease. I’m scared of going into remission, and waking up one morning sick again. I’m scared others think I’m faking. I’m scared to show how weak and terrible I truly feel. I’m scared of overexerting myself, or letting myself have fun, in case it causes me to feel worse. I’m scared of the constant burden and stress this disease inflicts on my loved ones. I’m scared of my dreams not coming true because of this disease running my life. I'm scared of going through another holiday season that is dictated by Lyme. I'm scared of getting another picc line in and it not working. I'm scared of one day passing the Lyme along to my children. I'm scared of turning 18 in a month and needing people's help to walk down the hallway because I'm too weak or can’t feel my legs. I'm scared of never getting better. But worse, I'm scared of getting better and trying to rebuild the life that I have lost to this horrible disease.
Living in fear is no way to live life, but sadly, when you have a chronic incurable disease, fear is your best friend.
Comments