*Originally published 9/3/20*
Wow. The last few months have been a whirlwind.
I started working at OrangeTheory Fitness at the end of June and I absolutely LOVE it! I actually look forward to going to work. I love being the one who motivates others and helps them achieve their goals—I even love it when I have to wake up at 3:30 am to open the studio.
I also started my school classes this week. For the first time in what feels like forever, I did not dread school, I looked forward to it. For the past eight years, I have absolutely dreaded school—not because of the work (I actually enjoy that part)—because my body has been so unpredictable, keeping up with classes has been extremely hard. In fact, this semester was supposed to be the first time I have taken a full course load since 2015, but with the pandemic, I dropped one to keep my mental health in check—my eyes and brain can only handle so much Zoom.
When I first thought about dropping a class I was a bit upset—I felt like a failure. I feel the best I have felt in a long time, so in my head, I should be able to take a full course load. However, when I add in work, nannying my niece and nephew and living through the world falling apart, I realized I am not a failure—I’m a freaking warrior. So what, it may take me a little longer to get my degree. The important thing is that I am getting one—slowly but surely.
Like I said, I have been feeling pretty good. 2020 has been pretty crappy in all other ways besides my health—I feel like there is a dark, twisty metaphor in there somewhere. I began the year by starting the Dr. Rawls Lyme Diet which has been life changing. I have slowly been reintroducing foods in and figuring out my triggers.
I also started my gratitude practices this year—215 days to be exact. Every morning and every night I mediate. Each night, I also write in a gratitude journal. Throughout my days, when I feel any sort of symptoms coming up, I take deep breaths, repeat my mantras and get myself under control. This all stemmed from learning about rewiring your brain after having been through the trauma of a chronic illness.
Getting my body out of the “fight or flight” response and into “rest, reset and digest” is what, I believe, has caused the most improvements. This practice has allowed me to get closer to my own body and really listen to what I need, want and what I don’t need.
At the beginning of the year, I had dropped a bunch of weight in a really short amount of time, and was showing other signs of parasites, so we have been treating that via Chinese medicine. I still go to the doctor every other week for acupuncture and to update my medicines—I’m now onto two giant pill boxes because I have to take medicines at so many different times a day. It is amazing to think about how bad I felt in December to how good I feel now—for me, Chinese medicine is the way to go.
I have also been learning more about Chinese medicine and the importance of food through the book “Healing with Whole Foods: Asian Traditions and Modern Nutrition” by Paul Pitchford. If you’ve never been to a Chinese medicine doctor, or had acupuncture, it will probably be a little weird, but it is kind of mind blowing when you put all the pieces together and see how everything impacts one another.
On top of this, I have been tackling some big things on the mental health aspect. I have seen therapists off and on throughout this entire journey, but I have been with my current therapist since my paralysis attacks in 2018. She is the best!
Recently, I’ve been tackling a lot, dealing with the traumatic impacts Lyme has left me with. I always hate saying “trauma” because our society has such a stigma around the word—only soldiers or those in horrific accidents can use it—yet, anyone can experience trauma. Living with a chronic, invisible, incurable illness that is not even recognized by a lot of the medical field can leave a lot of scars—physically, emotionally and mentally.
Here’s an example. A couple of weeks ago, I took a bath (by myself and without a bathing suit) for the first time in 2 years. Now you're probably like “um what?” so I’ll explain. When I was going through my constant paralysis attacks, I got paralyzed in the bathtub. My mom couldn’t get me out, I almost went under and we had to get my dad to get me—talk about embarrassing and traumatic. From then on, I did not take baths, and when I showered, I had to wear a bathing suit in case I got paralyzed in the shower.
It took me months after my attacks to shower without a bathing suit and it has been years since I have taken a bath. However, a couple of weeks ago, I decided to turn my shower into a bath. Once I got out, I freaked out. My family did not understand the big deal but for me, this is a huge milestone. I will always be terrified of getting paralyzed, but each time I do something like this, it feels like winning back a little bit of control over my own life—and that is a great feeling.
Did you see what I said there? I said “my own life.” For the past eight years, I have not had a life. I have not been living, I have been surviving. Surviving and actually living are two very different things. I used to go through the motions of living just to get through my day and everything I did—or did not do—was dictated by my disease. Now, everything I do and do not do is still dictated by my illness, but on my own terms—I am in control.
My final note for this update is to let you know I have lost someone dear to me—the Cassidy pre-Lyme Disease. I used to say “I felt like the old me” but I came to the realization that the “old me” is never coming back, and that is for the best. The “old” Cassidy was so naive to not only the world, but to her own body. I now know so much about the horrors of the world—the corrupt medical system, suffering and pain, how horrible people can be—and that has all shaped who I am today. Without this journey, I would not have found my passion for helping others, my love for fitness, my connection to my Self. This journey has not been easy, but I wouldn't trade it, or the outcomes.
As my new favorite philosopher Glennon Doyle says (if you haven’t read Untamed yet, do it. It will change your life) “We can do hard things.”
I have done the hard things—I am still doing the hard things and will probably always be doing them—but I am better. I am living. I am healing.
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